What happens to them is a mystery, I can’t write about
I have a plan, I surrender
To catch hold of those memories
That have fattened their nerves with fear
A fear- The fear- Fear
Of prowling the richness of pleasure
Performance of love, is rather discreet
For as long as it lives
You and me with beating eyes
Will rumble over a hill of reasons
Yesterday-
If time contained in three
And today was now-
I dug in
I saw pain- it looks like someone I know
It’s pale, but it lives
And it is lived.
-They’re barking
And the sounds of little things falling
Make me shrivel -

What happened to me is hardly a mystery
Yet, it pains to understand
An array of perspectives, lining up in vain
I circumvent desire to fulfil him-me-who?
I say I am
I say I do
I talk to myself
I say I can’t
I say I wouldn’t
I’m holding on to her,
Who, as tender as a kiss,
Has fallen off a writer’s dream
In the Autumn of dependence
Courage and Solitude- I master
I’m holding on to her
Who clutches to help falling
Falling off the stairs of independence
Identity and Visions- I expose

I have a question
And when I began I was rolling
I was twirling in the whirlpool
Of what- don’t ask
Because I churn questions, no answers
And here’s what I have to throw
I happen to stay at the length of the day
Poised, brief, known and carved
When the crimson calls the night a fall
I render myself
To the tune that commons us all
Yet, lies in here- unheard.

N that's enough!

So hopped in again a strange voice of serenity
Multitude and vastness-
Touched me an eye and held a large smile
I match him- he hopes me
Speaks the language I do
Makes me bring him new
Thinks like the barging wind that snaps my door
Random as the dew with a thousand hues

I made a promise long then ago
To keep me up, away from a new blow
Enveloped, I shrivelled up n slept
A long sleep of detachment
Closed myself from “love”
And all the attributes to it
I felt safe, left at some point
Alive at another
Traced each move with stealth
Over loaded hands with strenuous engagements...

And that’s when a drop of rain
Made me look at the blue
And there he was, smiling
I waved back and invited a bond
So soon we gripped
And talked to nothingness
Distanced ourselves, though for a while
From the jars of sanity
And crafted humanity!

Now he sounds like truth to me
I open my eyes to tomorrow

I know not what I think of him
I know not what he thinks me too

Now I urge to live my today
With whatever I have with him
For we resonate...and that’s enough

Now I urge to leave our tomorrow
To tomorrow itself
For we believe...and that’s enough

Now I plunge into the present
And forget the rest
For we learn to “make”
AND THAT’S ENOUGH!

Now I know it for sure
That if a thing I endure
The universe shall conspire
And tie it right to me
And this belief does live
And that’s enough.....!

I was wondering...

I was wondering...
Sitting on an arm chair
Half led by you
And the rest of me
Well, all by myself
Draping a chord of love
Tapping a snigger over my lips
When I blurt your tunes...

I was wondering...
Sitting in the lane
That stops at you
If it was getting deeper
Or was it just the heat
That made me rather an illusion
To stare at

I was wondering...
Sitting under the “dented white”
If there is more to darkness
Than the absence of light
For as much as it brings you closer
It pinches to know you’re not
Forever...

I was wondering...
Sitting on a stone
Ravaged by the waves
If I would keep my feet to the ground
For as long as I live
Or I’d join the horde
Of glory and me
That stacks the sky
Infamous...

I was wondering...
Sitting on a swing
Looking at the emptiness
Next to me
If you would ever fill it
And swing me to blue
Or the gamble of “death”
Would play its dice
And wrath the strings of desire
To lose...

I was wondering
If I’m making sense
To you
For I speak new
And I do
Perhaps
Make the reason
You
For all that waves out
Or all
That stays in
Forever...

I was wondering...
If I could cry
For not being the one
That I was
Or rejoice today
For being the one
That I am...

I was wondering
Sitting on my bed
In the middle of the night
If there was any reason
To smile back at the wall
That played a game of shadows
I tried...
I won
And the reason was you...

I was wondering...

This perfume.

This wind brings me you
Floating in this aroma
Of a fantastical opportunity
That twined me with life, love and me
I knew of what grew
In the numerous breaths I took
To live and relive the moments.
I felt alive-

It’s strange, rather appalling
One moment-detached
And the other in your arms
Your soft shirt with my arms around
Those days I lived tight in your hold
With your eyes in mine
And my breath in yours

I’m sitting with my dress
Clutched strong against my face
But my breath is short
And so is the time I live
In the smell of you...

I know I was alive
I was different
I have come a long way
I’ve given in to our facts
I’m smiling
I’m not alone
I own myself
I’m in love
Except this time
It’s only me...

But this feeling
This smell
Your touch
Your hold
Your shirt
My cheeks

This *** perfume
I’m sorry
I don’t want to part with it
I can’t use it
This perfume

It is the only means to take me straight
To the world that’s long gone
Yet forms the nub of who I am

It hurts each time
yet
with each breath I smile
with some I cry
and compose again
into an adult
shoving it away
and staring
staring-
until I finish dreaming
and come back to realise
I’m sill the same
And you’re away
Just like this smell
Just like

This perfume
That comes out once in a year
Perhaps
Because I fear to lose
My life that lives safe within

100 ml
Benetton Sport

This perfume.

Did you?

My second contribution to "him":

Did you want to leave
Before we said good bye...?
While I felt your presence
And you, mine
Two pairs of eyes
Awaiting a meet
While I said good bye
To a couple of others
And you stood beside
As if to look for none
But a clue to start
A conversation

“look what I got,
Remember?”
The first thing you said
Slipping in next to me
While I was alone
“aww”...
I hugged it
And you never asked for it
Down it went
Into the statement of style
And convenience I got along
....
Only to become the reason
For the last connection...

What is it that lives between us?
I have felt it
Don’t deny your acceptance
I read your eyes
Else, why would I tend
To turn towards the door
Right when you are stepping in
And why do I find you notice my presence
As I acknowledge yours
With a blind disregard
And a hidden blush

There’s a “something” running
In the space between us
That clicks in our senses
And notifies presence
Of you and me
Around me and you...

So knock the silence
Off your face
And give some wings
To your say
I don’t want to answer
When next I can meet
Let me see you go out of your way...

Him

So, for all those who i wish to address and the ones that i think have an ear to lend....there's news. I'm beginning a new series and it's called "him". Don't ask me why; this was the first impulse of an excited brain and i couldn't deny it.

This series will contain poems(yes! you guessed i right). These poems are meant for my encounters with "him", where "him"(being the focus) has a very high tendency of being different each time!

P.s: It is important to consider that "him" could be imaginary. Discretion appreciated.

With a hope that it tickles your senses at different echelons of passion, here goes the first one:


Sips of tea...
He planned a sudden encounter
I giggled...
With bubbles of excitement
popping audibly loud
Yet renting composure
I asked him to wait and he did.
I walked like silk
Counting every step,
Panning each eye
To a direction not his...
He was up there
From where, everything was visible
The cars, lined in a row
The garden, snoring, curled up in cold
The dogs, strolling in pride
His cycle, parked carefully, lovingly
And me.....walking up to him
With an apparent casualty
I risked, raised my sight
To steal a view of him
He was gone
Down with a sense of relief,
Growing courage...
Hidden anxiety
My eyes led my steps
Eyes rise...fall on him
He is here...has he?
No! His concern was his cycle
Misled by distance, he was pulled down
Relieved. We were lifted up.
‘Nice house’, first step.
What followed was formality
5, 7, 10 minutes.
Why are you being so formal?
Green Tea- Lipton
And at ease- our souls
Our bodies-
Proximity- Decently minimum
Two lamps, one couch and 5 pillows.
Him, me and tea.
The rest hardly mattered...
The noise of the dogs barking...
People partying...
Hearts beating...
So how was your summer?
So, a length of time only to listen
Pretend to listen
Grin, sip, grin, agree.
Answer, sip, question, listen.
Running parallel like a 70’s film roll
In the screens of my eyes
Was
A pull of cheeks
Sometimes a hug...
My head resting on his arm
A gentle, incidental brush of hands
A kiss on my cheek
An empty stare....
So battled these dreams
With my brain’s brighter side
Until he announced the moment to leave
While a hundred plans of asking him to stay
Were trying to make their way
All my head could do was nod
It was too late, he got up and marched out.
I followed.
A stare...
A long smile
Discomfort....should i?
Of course not! Let him.
He did. The best one so far.
Well intended, awaited as if.
And I went back in,
Shutting the door immediately,
Keeping the setting unchanged
To preserve the recent presence
The taste of tea,
That had never tasted so,
still tickling.

It is still incomplete...i intend to rather begin a conversation

I’m essentially incubated by the reflective space necessitated by my perception and seldom does it open to an outside “air”; risking at this point is injurious! But a recent invasion radicalized rather by a deserving eye has made a safe way in and I wonder what it might lead to. This one was strong; though I do not deny the usualness of it. It struck me hard; perhaps the stealth of the expression made the difference.

P.S: I was told, “firang (pardon the language) girls are so much more beautiful than the Indian ones. You won’t understand it’s a guy thing. They dress better, they know so much more than the Indian girls, they are so perceptive, aware and bold.”

Well, if this were to come from a lame fugitive Indian chauvinist male, I’d rather disown him or ‘bark’ at him. But knowing the origin of the statement I fail to make it sound unsubstantial. This was not an over perceptive acrobatic that got through successful; this was a genuine opinion and I believe it deserved acknowledgement, if not as a unanimous surrender to affirmation then a collaborative challenge of scanning the cause and ideating the possibilities of intervention. And I believe I’m up for this challenge...well, OPPORTUNITY, to minimize this disparaging comparison between the west n us!